I only wrote abt what i felt abt changes.
It was not of any reference to her.

She said my friends go out behind their bf's back. Yes it may be the case.
But it din apply to me. I let her knew who i go out with if she asked.. Since one month ago, after she said can't commit wanted her own freedom. I was upset. Yes i was affected. But i never
ever said i would do stupid things like die. To me those who say such
things can never accept failure and be someone useful in future.

My blog, wat i ever wrote was only wat friends's opnion abt xiuyi.
Nothing was really mentioned abt her changing. Ppl told me to try
my best. Yes i am trying till now since a month ago. I am not the same me
since a month ago. Xiuyi wans freedom so go ahead. I let her have all the
freedom she can. When she goes out for work, with him or friends, i did mentioned
hurtz. But that was one month ago.

Didn't she noticed that i have already accepted things for now ? Now i'm just trying.
My blog did mentioned happy things. N not just this. The other blog she knew, one particular entry were abt happy memories we had. I spent time writing about our past happenings. Intention was to rem what we had gone through all these while. I din wish those to be forgotten..
For a relationship, how can one compare and think abt putting too much and being sorry to ownself ? Anything that i have done were all willingly. When she's busy to work, i go down bit early before time on my 1st sleeping off, to buy food or drinks for her. I know if go there too long i am only a hinderance.

Her job interviews that didn't gone through, i dono y she thought that i was really wishing that
it will flop. Wasn't i that keep telling her don worry can find a job one. Once there was a period
when she din go find work at all. After she knew she was enrolled into NUS. I knew that she wan to take a break. Of cos ok i have no problems with that. Even when she wanted to take the hp job as promoter, i said ok although it's only weekends, then week days she still can work for the push carts. So at least she have more salary. But then, she herself chose not to take the hp job later.

Her bike. Starting i wasn't really liking the idea she took bike. Girls if being pillion ok. If wan better to learn driving. So when she's so keen on it. . i can't stop her of cos. But at times i made casual negative remarks that she shouldn't take bike. Take also will fail one. But after wards i always say i am kidding only. I said sure will pass one. The very moment i sent her to take bike and waited over an hr for her lessons and fetch her home. The very moment i wished her good luck and jia you, was the day i accepted what she wanted. I wish the best n happiness for her.
I knoe she's working hard for her bike lessons. She mentioned no need me to pay anything for her for bike. Yes i din. But i always make sure she have money to eat. To buy food for her when she's working.

Yes there are changes. It took place since 21st aug 06. After i knew she lied to me to go out with her two new frds. Initially i was upset cos she lied to me over such thing. Where's the trust ? She asked herself this qn in the blog. Ironic isn't it ? 10sept06 our 1yr.. already made a difference. She could have been with me. But said no time wanted to go home do her things. But she ended out late with others at east coast. . instead of me. What could i do ? It seems i wasn't impt to her le.

Beginning i don like her going out with two of them. Somemore she said one admitted to her that he likes her. Later knew was alot and he keep asking her for a chance. Look what the hack is this right ? Of cos i was upset that she keeps going out with them. They fetch her on bikes after bike lessons. Ha coolz isn't it ? Who in the right mind won't be upset that yr "gf" din wan u to fetch her but other guys fetch her instead? After a while i gave up on being upset. I understood that if we wont be together in future, it's not cos of them or him. It's her very ownself. She said all were only friends. So once again i accepted the fact that she goes out with them. And the fact the he still likes her n asking for a chance. This was the trust i held within me. I never blamed him for going out with her. I never did since a month ago. For she chose to go out with him even after the other frd left for japan for a month.

So she spends her time with him and his other friends or her bike friends. I was okay. I have my own time for myself and friends. Time. Wat abt time ? It was a factor to her. She goes out with them, ends up tired and don really have much time to do her assignments. Den she complains to me when i wanted to meet her. Said she have no time to meet, need to do her assignments. Look i also accepted this very fact ok. I let her be. For the last 3 weeks. I get to see her like onli at most twice a week or less. Each time only 2 hrs. At times a bit longer. The very last sunday that she only meet me was cos of her buying of bike. She wanted me to transfer. I felt not sincere. So i said meet me for dinner instead. I just only wish to be appreciated. But did i felt it ?

All these while process of buying the bike and settling the bike thing she was busy ok i understand. But after all these ? She was still busy she said. I wished to watch movie rob b hood with her. She said next week. But then she watched on sat instead with him and another lady bike frd of hers. U call this no time ? Is watching a movie with me so hard ?

After reading her blog, i realised what a leo friend of mine said last time was true. Leo tends to remember the bad things and dwell on it. But wat abt the good things ? Me morning call her to wake her up for tp when i slept at 5am. Woke up specially to call her wun be late. Wished her good luck. Really wished for her tp to pass u know. I know she's so broke now. I know that too.
When her u turn couldn't make it, i told her, u can do it one. Just jia you n more practice will succeed. I did say all these.

Judgement ? I din judge her k! Even if there's any it wasn't from me. She should ask her own friends instead of thinking about wat mine said. If both side says the same thing, wat does it show? I swore i never relate anything she has done in this blog of mine.

All these while for the past one month. Was she only living in hatre, past unhappiness and other's judgement for 'us" ? All along i was giving both a chance. I said this the very night on a thurs after sent her home after talking to her for a while at her blk. I only hoped for things to improve. But it din at all. She just take it that i am pestering her. I can't even pester her. I helped her print things. Wat's that for ? For her to have more time instead of using her super slow printer at home.

Regarding him, do u know y he is so tong ku ? Cos of her cannot commit. Haha. She din make it clear only as friends, or din make it clear to me and be with him. Tong ku de isn't just she alone. It's the 3 of us. I din wish for this. I'm sure he din wish for this too. Initially i made myself to be busy to not think abt her to feel better. Tat's was silly. I realised it. So i told myself i got to gradually let go when the time comes. I felt more at peace. My very feelings were already enlightened some time ago. The only problem is i can't stay at home and idle my time away.

I knew yesterday she failed her tp. I knew she sure wld be very upset. Tat's y i said no matter what just be happy. I couldn't be the one to console her at tat very pt of time. I could only hope he will cheer her up instead and encourage her instead as he's with her. I said very encourgaing words to her abt the failure. I said, things like don be sad anymore. It's just only a tp. U are putting too much pressure in yrself. Just take it easy the next time rd. U can do it one. 30th oct isn't too far away. Just jia you. If got problems abt money or food let me know..

So many things. . food, printing, my wishes, my hope for her happiness, all the morning calls for her b4 go work. My presence of being there for her. I din really have things she did that please me for quite a while. Maybe i don feel myself being appreciated. But does it matter ? It doesn't matter to me for a long time le. Cos i am trying my best to do things for her so that she will be happy.

And all these while, without her with me much, i kept looking for things to do to kill time. I never like to be at home. So i go out with whoever that's free to meet me. What else can i do ? Waste my very off days at home ? I can't do that. I can't stay at home.

Till now her very blog said she wan to be single. So as to treat herself better ? For she live to please others ? Is it really the case ? Den i guess its time i should leave her world le.

If what she decided to do can be better. I will wish her happiness.

End of my words.

alvinsoojunmin
10/03/2006 03:21:00 AM